Trying to Understand

With my daughter being terminally ill, it really pulls on the family. It has taken a toll that I wounder if it can ever be saved. This has been going on now for so long that it has pushed the family to its brink. Our losses in life have not been easy and has started to unravel the very fabric that was us.

For me I think I was in a stagnate state well I know I was in a stagnant state. I stood and watch my company dissolve into nothingness while I lowered into a deep depression.

But there was someone who reached a hand down and offered me a little light. Oddly enough it was my daughter Jena who took a rather good observation of her life's future path. She approached it with a sense of humor and a great frame of mind. Of course that was ofter a rather rough road of acceptance to what life has brought her

I have raised my kids as best I could and have watched each one of them grow in exceptional adults still watching on Luca 6 years old to reach that point.

So when I sent my daughter to college my son off into life you expect them to out live you. But that is not the case. Life has taken away from us to much and sometimes I wounder if I have what it takes to continue.

Another Sunday morning

Was thinking about my daughter pretty much most of the morning. To the point I even had a dream about her. When she was a little kid running and screaming and having a great time.
I wounder where the justice is in life and in God's life that this is happening. Why is it that she has to be taken away from me at this early age.

She was going to college having a great time and then this. Maybe I missed something early on about her maybe there is something I should have seen but didn't.

My other daughter was always kind of my favorite if you will, maybe this is my punishment in life maybe this is.....I just do not know some mornings it is so hard I just do not feel like moving or going. But I must I have Luca now and he is 6 and I have to be there for him.

Love this

Just Listen

Time to wind down

Talking with dad’s Dr. she wants to stop chemo around Christmas. She thinks that it is getting to be to much for him. He has a list of problems all with equally bothersome side effects. I see my dad slowing down, giving up and getting tired of the whole ordeal. It has been 4 years September. The weird thing is he was diagnosed on Sept 11, Yikes.

He is definitely not the same person he was several years ago. He was quite the trumpet player I believe he was voted 4Th best trumpet player in the country in his day. He has great pictures and some great stories to tell and show.

On another front my house is still for sale with no luck. I have heard about the St. Joesph statue in the back yard. I think I am willing to try anything at this point. I thought I would be breaking some religious rule which is why I kept from doing it so far. Then our Priest suggested it so I have the clearance to go for it. Specific rules to follow bury it upside down facing toward the house in the back yard.

Wish me luck people.

Old memories old feelings

I was sitting at my Dads and moms house yesterday. My dads cancer was getting the best of him and I was looking in on him. My mother I feel is at the threshold of losing it. She is in continuous pain should have back surgery but she dose not want to go through with it. I believe she is more afraid than anything.

I was in my dads studio. He was in the 40's a musician playing with all the big bands. As a kid I remember sitting up starts listening to him practice endlessly and some times wounding when it will end so I can listen to the Radio.

There in front of me was the endless display of trumpets that have fallen silent to the will of radiation. Even during chemo dad was still practicing every dad for 5 hours. How is it now after all these years I find myself missing the endless flow of music from the studio that I once waited for the music to stop.

Did I ever play yes, did I keep it up NO, I just never had the will to overcome my lack of confidence or self esteem in the presence of my dad. There was so many accolades over my dad, could I ever fill or even come close to expectations. Just one of many disappointments I have brought to my Dad.

Now he is unable to play, and I miss the sound. Also now that I have an understanding of my fears one of the many regrets I have is that I never pursued the trumpet. I regret and feel guilty for not carrying on the music tradition.

My grandfather was himself an artist and also another great achiever. It must have been a great disappointment for my dad to look into my eyes and to see such a great failure in life. To think his life will end and he will have me as the one to carry on the family name.....such a failure I am.

I guess that is why I decided to go back to school, maybe I can finally accomplish something in life.

A leaf bag episode

Because of my dads condition, I make my usual stops by the house to help Dad. He is really incapable of doing anything so i try to be around to do the task the he is unable to preform.

Because of this, it always raise very interesting episodes that occur, such as on Sunday. Garbage goes out on Monday and like clock work I show up Sunday to put the trash out. This time around dad had 27 bags of leaves. As I pulled up into the drive dad was already into the midst of his rampage. The next door neighbor had already put his gazillion bags out before dad and that was more than he could accept.

As I pulled in I saw this frail man barely able to stand attempted to drag bags of leaves to the curb all at the same time yelling and screaming every piece of profanity possible, some that were even new to me.

So much commotion he caused that those brave enough to emerge from the their houses experienced a real show of a crazed man while those in fear just peaked through there shades.

After an hour of dragging bags, of course with the full supervision of my dad watching ever step and every placement of the bags to make sure it was to his satisfaction. After some rearrangement and replacement of the more important bags (go figure) the job was done.

As I stood just absorbing some of the fresh quietness that had over come the moment a neighbor approached and with a quite voice said “so just when did your dad go loony”

So my question for the day is just when exactly do parents go loony. Is it a gradual unforeseen effect. Unforeseen to us all or is it a giant leap into loonyville For me I think looking back, my father and mother have always been loony.

After all, it is loony to get into a fight with Micky Mouse at Disney world is it not !!AHHHH another story for another time

Welcome to my dysfunctional world.

Standing in line again

There I was standing in line at the university once again only some 30 odd years later. Is it really possible. I am already in trouble someone had mistaken me for a professor and asked me advice along with signing there advisor's class slip OOOooOOOOoooO.

But that's OK I feel great about it. My daughter who by the way also goes to this school has mixed feelings about it. I believe she feels OK about it. She has been the most supportive.

My Mother well it is best not to even go there. She has plenty to say about it that's for sure. Nothing good tho. Then again neither dose my wife.

My other daughter who is terminal ill with a brain tumor keeps going. I will give her credit she has really handled this whole situation much better than I have. She always has a great sense of humor. I wounder sometimes how much of the mask she wares is just that a mask to hide the real pain. She has always been one to hide what really goes on inside.

Nobody will ever know but her and God!

My other daughter Jess, she at times has difficulty dealing with all this. At least she did in the past. Maybe now she has learned to handle it a little better which I am glad for her.

Dad lost it the other day with all of his bags of leaves 27 to be exact. But yet there he was stage 4 cancer barely standing up but making ever attempt to drag his bags of leaves to the front curb. After all, as he puts it "I am not helpless you know".

Ah the beauty of my dysfunctional family.

I am on a new path today. I have been thinking for a while which path to take and I am still not sure.
There are quite a few issues taking place in my life mostly concerning family. On the top of the list is DAD, my daughter and my wife.

At what point, and I really did not see it happening, did she stop respecting me. Granted it is probably my fault. I think it happened during the great Tonnio depression state of mind.

I am tired of continuous put downs and the lack of respect. It is becoming quite boring.

As always I am alone in life even tho I am living with this person. She has no dialog with me in any way but spends most of her time complaining about what life has brought her. Is it that life is so difficult to find a person to interact with. I am tired of focusing life around my wife with no return it's time for me start focusing life around me and about me.

I am really excited to be going to school again. So we will see how it goes.